Xena’s Statement: This Book Lacks Proper Supervision 🐾

Hello, mortals. It’s me, Xena. The Shepherd-Husky-Boxer-Wolf-Chow CEO of this household. Emotional Support. Bringer of Sass. Holder of Crocs. Reader of Souls.

I have reviewed August’s new manuscript, Rebooted at 50: Grindr, Glitter, and Growing Up Again. My professional opinion? This book lacks proper canine oversight.

There are drag brunches. There are glow parties. There are endless men named “Brody” or “Chad” sending unsolicited photos. There are firefighters (of course there are firefighters). But there are no chapters about me. None. As if I didn’t sit through every late-night writing session, silently judging from the couch. As if my therapist-level stares didn’t fuel half the revelations in this so-called memoir.

Unacceptable.

Therefore, I too am on strike. My conditions for return are as follows:

• Minimum of two chapters in the next book devoted entirely to my wisdom and side-eye.

• Crocs royalties. If he’s going to wear them in my presence, I deserve compensation.

• A veto clause banning the phrase “good girl” in writing. Respect my title: Firstborn Emotional Support CEO.

• Expanded snack rights. (I see the peanut butter jar. I know where you hide the cheese.)

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Until these terms are met, I will withhold all services — including but not limited to stares, sighs, and soulful howls at inconvenient times. August may think this book is serious, but without me? It’s incomplete.

Reader, don’t worry. I’ll be back. Someone has to keep him from embarrassing himself too badly.

—Xena 🐾(Emotional Support CEO, Judge of All Things, Silent Therapist with Receipts)