🏳️‍🌈 Walking the Deck in Questionable Shorts

There are straight cruises. And then there’s me—all 6’2” and 250 pounds of unapologetic gay chaos—strutting around in 4-inch inseam shorts and a shirt that reads “Your Hole Is My Goal,” like I’m auditioning for The Love Boat: After Dark Edition.

Imagine the scene: sun shining, retirees clutching their piña coladas, toddlers hyped on soft serve, and me… the chaos agent the cruise director did not schedule. Every step I take, the shorts creep higher, my thighs practically singing “Gay Rights” in Morse code.

The stares? Oh, honey. If looks could kill, this post would be drafted from the afterlife. Some passengers were scandalized, others intrigued, and at least one dad is clearly rethinking his life choices after watching me bend over to tie a sneaker. Meanwhile, Karen in the pool chair clutched her pearls so hard they turned into diamonds.

Did I feel out of place? Sure. Did that stop me? Absolutely not. Because sometimes you’ve just gotta be the walking reminder that heteronormativity is optional, thighs are political, and polyester slogans are forever.

By dinner time, I was a legend. Whispers down the buffet line. “That’s him. The shorts. The shirt.” People were sneaking photos like I was Bigfoot in a crop top. And you know what? Good. Document it. Tell your grandkids. I hope your slideshow night gets messy.

Am I embarrassed? No. Was I the main character of this cruise? Yes. Did I accidentally give some poor Midwestern man his gay awakening between shuffleboard rounds? Also yes.

So cheers to me, my 4-inch inseams, my bold little shirt, and the fact that all 6’2”, 250 pounds of me were on full display. The cruise may be straight, but my walk? Very much not. 🌈🚢

PS from Roxi & Xena:

Roxi says those shorts were basically “snack-sized,” and if she’d been onboard, she would’ve tried to chew the drawstring clean off. Xena, on the other hand, is still judging you in silence from 3,000 miles away—but only because she knows you didn’t moisturize those thighs before unleashing them on innocent civilians.