Top 10 Hookup App Crimes (And Why You Should Be Banned From Wi-Fi)

Hookup apps are like Costco—chaotic, crowded, and half the people there are just snacking on samples. And yet, every day, I log in like a clown entering the circus, ready to be disappointed by humanity. These are the 10 crimes that deserve jail time:

1. The Gear Parade 🎭

Leather harness, pup mask, assorted straps—basically Spirit Halloween: Kink Edition. If I need a decoder ring to understand what you’re wearing, we’re already not compatible.

2. The Underwear Olympics 🩲

Your profile pic is just you in Calvin Kleins. Sir, that’s not a personality. At best, it’s a Fruit of the Loom audition tape.

3. The Hole Shot 📸🚫

Unsolicited hole photos are the jump scare of hookup apps. I opened my phone to check the weather, not to get swallowed alive by your starfish.

4. The Junk Mail 🍆📬

Don’t send your junk before we’ve even chatted. This is not FedEx Overnight. Put that package back on the shelf until someone actually orders it.

5. The Eternal “Hey” 🥱

“Hey” is not foreplay. It’s not even conversation. If you can’t come up with something better, go practice on ChatGPT and circle back.

6. The Bad Lighting Horror Show 💡😬

Why is your photo so dark I feel like I’m FaceTiming a hostage? Turn on a lamp. Or at least open a window.

7. The Car Selfie 🚗🤳

Why are you shirtless in the driver’s seat of a 2007 Honda Civic? Sir, this is not Fast & Furious: Grindr Drift. Put your seatbelt back on.

8. The Grainy Photo ❌📷

It’s 2025. Every phone has like 27 cameras and AI smoothing filters that could make a potato look like a runway model. Why does your photo still look like it was taken on a Motorola Razr in 2006?

9. The Random Object Mystery 🪧🪨

Why is your profile pic a stop sign? Or a rock? Or, God forbid, a stock photo of clouds? Am I supposed to hook up with sedimentary geology now? Swipe left on minerals.

10. The Age Math Mystery 📅🤔

Profile says 29, face says 47, vibe says divorced dad energy. Somebody is lying, and it’s not the crow’s feet.

Final Verdict 💅

Hookup apps are chaos disguised as technology. If you’ve committed two or more of these crimes, delete the app and go sit in the corner. The rest of us are tired.