Roxi’s Official Statement: We’re On Strike 🐾

Hello, internet. Roxi here. Yes, that Roxi. The bulldog who runs this household (and, let’s be honest, August’s whole life).

I need to set the record straight.

Apparently, August is writing a new book — Rebooted at 50: Grindr, Glitter, and Growing Up Again. Sounds cute, right? Except there’s one major problem: no dog chapters. None. Zero. Nada.

Do you know what it’s like to sit in the corner of the office, listening to him clack away at his little keyboard, spilling tea about Grindr, Pride festivals, drag brunches, ghosting at 50, and even firefighters (seriously, AGAIN with the firefighters?) — and then realizing he didn’t write a single word about me? The audacity.

So, I did what any self-respecting bulldog would do. I went on strike.

My demands are simple:

• Guaranteed cameos in the next book. Two chapters minimum.

• Snack royalties. Preferably peanut butter, cheese, and bacon.

• Walk breaks in all publishing contracts. Rain or shine.

• Full veto power over any mention of cats. (Looking at you, Cookie.)

Until further notice, Xena and I are withholding services. No cameos, no side-eye, no bulldog snorts in the background of his “serious reboot memoir.” You’ll just have to suffer through without us.

But don’t worry, we’ll be back. We always are. Someone has to keep him humble.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go sit dramatically by the snack cabinet until someone gets the hint.

—Roxi 🐾(CFO: Chief Flatulence Officer, Snack Union Local #1)