Roxi Responds: In Defense of My Honor

Excuse me. Hi. It’s me, Roxi. Yes, the alleged “chaos goblin” and “dumber than a bag of nails” bulldog you’ve all just read about. Dad thinks he’s funny, dragging my good name through the mud like I don’t have my own platform. So here I am to set the record straight.

First of all—junk food is life. Don’t let Xena fool you with her “I only eat things that photosynthesize” attitude. She’s not enlightened, she’s boring. Who wouldn’t want a chicken nugget over a carrot stick? If loving French fries is wrong, I don’t want to be right.

Second—sleep is self-care. Dad calls it “lazy,” I call it “prioritizing rest.” Xena runs laps until she smells like sweat and regret. I nap until my wrinkles get comfy. Guess which one of us is happier? Exactly.

Third—chaos is a skill. You think it’s easy to flip a room into pure mayhem in under 30 seconds? No. That’s talent. A gift, really. Appliances fear me. Neighbors respect me. Dad keeps his life interesting because of me. You’re welcome.

And for the record, “dumber than a bag of nails”? Please. If I were dumb, would I have convinced multiple humans to buy me nuggets on command? Would I have hacked the Roomba’s pathing so it avoids my nap zone? I think not.

So go ahead, call me a chaos machine. Call me stubborn. Call me a nugget queen. But don’t ever call me boring. I’m the main character here, and Dad just needs to accept it.

Xena (interrupting): Main character? Sweetie, you can’t even catch a ball.

Roxi: I don’t need to catch balls. I catch hearts.

Dad (walking in): …I regret teaching her how to type.