Xena Responds: A Calm Counterpoint

Hello, internet. Xena here.Apparently, Roxi has taken to defending her honor after Dad’s last post. Which is cute. Misguided, but cute. Let’s unpack a few things, shall we?

On Junk Food:

Roxi calls nuggets and fries “life.” I call them vet bills. One of us runs three miles and eats clean protein. The other once tried to eat a Pop-Tart wrapper. I’ll let you decide who’s thriving and who’s waddling toward cholesterol meds.

On Sleep:

She says 18 hours a day in bed is “self-care.” I call it hibernation with extra snoring. Newsflash: you’re not a bear, Roxi. And if naps were truly a form of wellness, I’d be the Dalai Lama of dog beds by now.

On Chaos:

Roxi says chaos is a “skill.” Sweetheart, chaos is tripping over your own tongue while trying to bark at the toaster. True skill is maintaining eye contact until Dad feels guilty enough to share his dinner. (Which works, by the way. Every time.)

On Brains:

She claims she’s smart because she conned people into feeding her nuggets. That’s not intelligence—that’s pity. Let’s be real: humans feed you because they assume you can’t survive otherwise. (They’re not wrong.)

In conclusion: Roxi is not the main character. She’s the comic relief. I, however, am the narrative arc—the emotional depth, the subtle plot twist, the reason this whole story holds together.

Roxi (off-screen): Comic relief? Excuse me, people laugh WITH me, not AT me.

Xena: Sweetheart, they laugh when you run into the screen door. Twice.

Dad: And this is why my blog is basically a sitcom now.