Meet the Dogs (and Cat)

Responsibilities

• Client greeting

• Cheese detection

• Emotional interruption

• Anti-productivity initiatives

• Couch quality assurance

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Known Violations

• Barking during conference calls

• Destroying one bed “for structural reasons”

• Attempted mutiny against vacuum cleaner

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Employee Review

“Strong leadership skills. Weak bladder control.”

Employment Status
Technically still employed. Refuses to acknowledge management.

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Primary Responsibilities

• Monitoring humans with silent judgment

• Sitting in the exact spot someone needs

• Maintaining company-wide emotional superiority

• Pretending not to care while knowing everything

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Special Skills

• Can hear a treat bag open from another dimension

• Has survived multiple website redesigns entirely out of spite

• Expert in weaponized eye contact

• Maintains strict “touch me and die” policies after 8PM

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Workplace Concerns

• Frequently unavailable for meetings

• Has openly ignored leadership

• Believes all furniture belongs to her by divine right

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Employee Review

“No one is entirely sure what she does here, but morale drops significantly when she’s not around.”

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Years of Service
23 years.
Longer than some publishing companies survive.

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Cookie would like it formally stated that she did not approve this biography.

Responsibilities

• Monitoring suspicious energy

• Trauma response deployment

• Human emotional regulation

• Judging visitors silently

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Special Skills

• Can detect sadness from three rooms away

• Certified Medical Support Dog

• Has never trusted a man too quickly

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Employee Review

“Would absolutely survive the apocalypse.”

While the internet may know him as a writer, author, and founder of AQ-Books, inside the house August primarily serves as live-in staff support for a deeply dysfunctional leadership team consisting of one bulldog, one emotionally observant shepherd mix, and a 23-year-old cat who believes eye contact is beneath her.

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Daily Responsibilities

• Refilling water bowls on demand

• Rebuilding blanket piles destroyed moments earlier

• Opening doors that were apparently unacceptable five minutes ago

• Serving as emotional support human for Xena

• Acting as target practice for Roxi’s biological warfare

• Existing under the constant silent judgment of Cookie

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Despite possessing opposable thumbs, multiple published books, and legal ownership of the mortgage, August remains fully aware that he has absolutely no authority within the household.

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His greatest accomplishment to date remains successfully hiding snacks on shelves high enough to temporarily defeat bulldog physics. Roxi has formally described this as “class warfare.”