AQ Rants: I’m Tired Because I’m Capable

There’s a very specific kind of exhaustion that comes from being the person who can handle shit.

Not the person who thinks they can handle it.

The person everyone already knows will.

Something breaks? Call me.

Someone needs help? I’ll figure it out.

There’s a problem nobody wants to touch? Fine. Give it here.

Someone dropped the ball? Apparently I own a fucking glove.

And here’s the part people misunderstand:

I’m not overwhelmed because I can’t handle my life.

I’m overwhelmed because I do handle it.

All of it.

I handle my responsibilities. I handle other people’s emergencies. I handle the things I volunteered for and, somehow, the things I absolutely did not volunteer for. I solve problems before most people even realize there’s a problem.

And when you’re good at doing that, something interesting happens.

People stop asking whether you have room on your plate.

They just assume you brought a bigger fucking plate.

Being dependable is a wonderful quality right up until everyone starts treating your dependability like an unlimited natural resource.

It isn’t.

Sometimes the strongest person in the room is fucking tired.

Sometimes the guy everybody calls when the wheels come off would really enjoy, just once, not being responsible for locating the goddamn wheels.

That doesn’t mean I’m falling apart.

It doesn’t mean I suddenly became incapable.

And it sure as hell doesn’t mean I need someone to swoop in and run my life for me.

It means I’ve been carrying a lot because I can carry a lot.

There’s a difference.

And lately I’m learning something I probably should have learned years ago:

Just because I can handle something doesn’t automatically mean it belongs to me.

That may be the hardest lesson of all for people like me.

Because we’ll handle it.

All of it.

All the fucking time.

Until one day we finally realize:

“I can” and “I should” are two very different sentences.

— AQ